takingbackgiana

happy
happy
happy
happy

we painted the bathroom blue.
i like it.

everyday when i wake, it feels like my mind took a bath and is completely clean, leaving me lost with the soapy suds of what was washed away.

-so i bought this disposable kodak camera and i spent the past month filling it up taking pictures to "define" this summer, but just when i had the perfect idea for the last picture, i lost the damn thing. i guess that gives a proper direction as to how this summer has been in general. after all the rain and stormy weather clouding the last week or so i was pleased to witness a beautiful sunny day. the afternoon fell flawlessly, a simple night with someone i love that felt more than just right . i am obviously a believer in how the weather effects my mood and life in general, so i am hoping this is a pleasant sign. though i would love to have this explanation bounce off of walls and scream as loud as a fire truck does, i will let the feeling sit silent still.
-i have found the perfect balance with my best friends and i am lucky enough to see them almost everyday. making me laugh and knowing my in's and out's more than anyone should. they are the only reason this year isn't looking like a total bummer.
-smooth sailing with the family for the most part. there will always be problems present in the extended version of my family, but i am attempting to stay no more than a mediator between all parties. i am not so selfish anymore, i know when someone needs my help.

am i missing anything?

we are all too diferent. well is there such a thing?
there is only one interest that matters, is there not? the interest of the heart. i have recently discovered some real thing, some feeling. a cure-all, be-all, end-all, fix-you-up whenever you are drowning below the surface. this "thing" is divine like the best bunch of silk flowers, but also the most frightening, dreadful worser of worsts. aye me.

and pleaseplease, i am planning on finally beginning my bottle cap creation. feel free to involve yourself by voicing a comment.

i'm a mean, green, seventeen year old machine.

for once i am wonderfully content. happiness is a scary thing to mess with most of the time, but so many peices have recently fallen for me. my intent is to take full advantage of this feeling while i have it in my reach. so my best friend will be gone the next two weeks and i have to work every ugly day next week: but this summer already has a fantastic rhythm to it.

( !! )

"Before the Sky Darkens"
Stephen Dunn

Sunsets, incipient storms, the tableaus
of melancholy- maybe these are
the Saturday night-events
to take your best girl to.  At least then
there might be moments of vanishing beauty
before the sky darkens,
and the expectation of happiness
would hardly exist
and therefore might be possible.

More and more you learn to live
with the unacceptable.
You sense the ever-hidden God
retreating even farther,
terrified or embarrassed.
You might as well be a clown,
big silly clothes, no evidence of desire.

That's how you feel, say, on a Tuesday.
Then out of the daily wreckage
comes an invitation
with your name on it.  Or more likely,
that best girl of yours offers you,
once again, a small local kindness.

You open your windows to good air
blowing in from who knows where,
which you gulp and deeply inhale
as if you have a death sentence. You have.
All your life, it seems, you've been appealing it.
Night sweats and useless strategem.  Reprieves.

many important things going on. big SATS tomorrow morning, proooooooooom (i am totally trying to break out with some oldschool dances and waltz, let me know if you want in) and that weekend, AP test, my birthday and tea party and license and complete liberation! summertime.

in the midst of all the anarchy i am really trying to undergo some positive changes. already i see some differences. in the past, it has not been unusual for me to write more about my life on paper than actually live it. for the longest time i have been absorbed in the words of characters i have created and dramatized. the most fulfilling moments of my night used to be re-living every part beside my lamp light- pulling out every detail and stressing all the ones no one else would notice. this is an issue i have always had: separating my version of reality with the actual thing. lately, i often find myself losing interest in this old habit. as much as i want to document and keep my memories alive, i haven't the motivation to go through with it anymore, because i know when i read back on my old notes i am almost being brainwashed. i still sit and try to write down some recollection of events or pour out some new thoughts- but the story spills out all the same. in my mind, if i don't write my days down, i will forget everything and the time will be worthless. i am wishfully thinking maybe this is a phase i have outgrown, and i can finally be content with my surroundings without having to convince myself it actually happened. writing it all down used to be the most theraputic and comforting thing to me, but now when i try to cough something up, i can never get the words right without the frustration of realizing what a hassle it brings. instead, i get lost in listening to long, drawn-out piano melodies or striking violin solos to experience a similar feeling. usually songs with no words, because lately they trouble me.
so someone tell me, does this mean i have gulped a taste of happiness, or have i lost the ability to properly communicate my feelings?


( all the pretty people )

in truth, i am a person who has always taken the power of words very seriously.
i find it incredible how a certain composition of letters can add up to evoke action. whether the words provide a habit, an insult, a promise, a story, etc. anything in order to provide some kind of subtle hint at finding out how one feels- communication. i pay much attention to words. still i hear them spoken in spite of me; often leaving me to look like a fool, used only to invisibly take up air space.

i have to tough out the remainder of the school year. i have to keep saving up my work money if i want to enjoy this summer. i have to try not to cut off all of my friends and maintain somewhat of a social life. my responsiblities are plenty-of-whelming, but not quite overwhelming. i am learning to deal with things a whole lot better. at the same time, i have been wrapped up in a little ball these past two months- in somewhat of a daze, pretending my happiness can be freely thrown without a fair source. there is always a hidden motive though. every cracked smile or sign of positive tension i give you has been provoked by something or someone beyond the moment. i am yet to find happiness with no reason or rhyme.

this month is bitter and endless.

as the first days rustled by, my philosphy rested on the procress of covering up lost thoughts- forgeting about troubled subjects. new new new. a fresh start! aye, but within the second week my early ambitions fell cold away. i have been working very hard lately, and i used this as a poor excuse to act foolish in more ways than one. another month which has managed to put me back in the familiar state from several ago. my feelings are messy, rushed, and missed. time is insignificant. the rest of the month played out like a favorite cd with a hundred worn scratches, you want it to run smooth so badly but all the best parts are fucked up, just adding more confusion. at the close of january i am full of a somewhat contented feeling, ready to dive head first into the coming months. i do not have the incentive to create a traditional flow for the rest of the things i want to mention. soooo here is a complicated list. call it a stream of consciousness:
- i am in the middle of reading an insanely good book, the first one in a while, called "a heartbreaking work of staggering genius". i'll let you know how it goes.
- i still know how to talk the same talk, even better.
- i have learned how to appreciate silence.
- i love when the snow is falling, but i hate the ugly slush aftermath.
- i enjoy the mornings when i can wake up to the sunny sky dancing with my bedroom blinds. they bounce and reflect and what comes through to my eyesight is mesmerizing. those so called "mornings" where i have slept well over 11 hours, but still i want to lay there. i have woken up from pleasant dreams but that is always a problem. moving is not an option because the light is almost white, and it is washing away all of my uncertainty. that kind of beauty doesn't happen often.
- i wonder where lost things go, both objects and hopes.
- what a fancy thought it is that i recognize every inch of this house so well that i can do almost anything i need to in the dark.
- i love my fraaaand(s?)

i'm doing fine thanks!

oh the festivities are finally coming to a close. i suppose it has been a nice little break, though for some reason, the past two weeks of my life have become full of more drama than i have ever previously witnessed. i do not mean drama the way teenagers use it when fighting between boyfriends or friends talking behind eachothers backs. i mean real drama. dramatic situations. perhaps life altering situations. the recent overload has not really caused my eyes to widen nor have i had some kind of revelation to become more aware of my surroundings. on the contrary, i have wanted to close my eyes often, simply to absorb the absurdity. between watching a person i love dearly become a mother, and being the audience (and main act) of countless escalated arguements- my head is spinning. christmas eve was a disaster. christmas had a different tone this year as well. new years was unexplainable.
on another note of reflection, this past year has been endless. i think the reason it has seemed so long is because i have played many roles, and as a result have become a very mixed up person. where do i even begin to explain some kind of rationality for my actions? 2008 was a year of building blocks. life sort of happened. i have lost and gained back some of the same friends in one year. though lately i have questioned myself on that one. i haved gained and lost a distorted version of love for more than one person. it was a progressive year, but towards the last months, i was waiting on the edge of my seat for it to end. i have grown and gained knowledge, yet i know i am almost no wiser. i am still making the same mistakes i always will. i have my bad habits lingering around, whatever they may be, and the pile is growing. but most importantly, i already know i am a decent human being. far more than decent in fact. therefore i am going to attempt to be less needy. with or without so and so and so and so, i am moving forward. which brings me to my resolution(?) being: this year i think i am going to get over myself and everyone else. i also have a few little things i want to do, like become sickly fabulous at piano.
i almost know myself. i know my brain is trying to maneuver a way to supply one simple solution that will patch everything up and leave all my insecrities at rest. helloooo, not happening. but i can not imagine my life being much different. sometimes i would pick boring. most times i would definitely chose content and boring. plenty of people are beginning to question me about college and my whereabouts for the future. i find it most difficult to picture a future for myself. i have no idea where i am headed, and an even more obscure idea about what i will be doing. i fear i will not know myself in time to figure out who to take along with me. i do not want to be a grump until that point. i am trying real hard not to become a grump at this point. enough of this, we're all unsure.

( the end/the beginning )

i am not going to wait for anyone to make things better for me.
i am going to keep being nice to mean people.
i am not going to ask anymore ridiculous favors.
i am going to keep starting the same conversations with complete strangers with hopes in finding meaningful answers.
i am not going to take anymore short cuts to where i need to be.
i am going to let myself laugh off any of my flaws.
i am not going to waste time.
i am going to make decisions without hesitation.
i am not going to let my insecurities run my life.



and most importantly, i am going to do it all for myself


bitches.

that is the catch.
and i've still got you to be this lingering cancer that grew on me. long exasperated hopes will make you go and stay away, but there is a faint chance of reoccurance. meanwhile, i tie my knots in other places. i catch other colds. colds that say things to warm my heart, and make me feel like truth and love exist in some distant location. funny how fairness comes at such a high price. oh i have this mystical power of seeing between the lines and reading right through a person. caution! this may be considered over-analyzing.

back to reaaaaality; this is by far my busiest year and anything i thought was hectic before this time was simply a joke. between work and school and racing around my mind, all my time is filled. traditionally, my favorite moments are consumed with the rants amy and i go on which may or may not involve what it is like for a blind person to get high. just sayin'. thanksgiving was actually a little enjoyable. i was able to see so many faces i have missed dearly. though i am already drained with christmas music melodies, i am excited for the holidays. i am finally able to save money to get some nice things for the few people on my list. how exciting!

"by a sleep to say we end
the heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks
that flesh in heir to; 'tis a consummation
devoutly to be wished. to die; to sleep;
to sleep: perchance to dream:
aye, there's the rub;
for in that sleep of death what dreams may come"
-Shakespeare (obviously)

sleeeep!sleep!

i'm actually fine.

i can not remember the last time i had a real, genuinely good time. how can that be? i need some striking factor to shake things up a bit. something or someone to entertain me for more than ten minutes. someone i can take home with me. maybe after a while people run out of stories to tell or acts to put on or something as simple as energy. as of late i have established the need to swamp myself in distractions, and quite a few have lined up. schoolwork is an ever-present weight on my back. i finalllllly got a job a few weeks ago. a what? a job! unbelievable, i know. as much as i try to keep myself busy, i still wish i had more time to myself. i haven't written anything down in a while. i went to the library recently and checked out a couple poetry books. zero time for anything of that sort. though as i am beginning to like people less and less, i enjoy books more and more. you could say i am consuming my time or you may call it running away, 'cause i do that fairly well. picking up new habits, letting go of old ones. full circle. i am still frustrated. i am still hurt. i am partly frustrated because i am still hurt. how stupid i must sound.



by the way, if you see this person on the street, RUN AS FAST AND AS FAR AWAY AS YOU CAN. <3


"They say that time assuages.
Time never did assuage.
An actual suffering strengthens
As sinews do, with age.
Time is a test of trouble
But not a remedy.
If such it prove, it prove too
There was no malady."
Emily Dickinson

here is the rush.
just for a moment- school work is aside, the blinds are shut, the door is closed. i turn my phone off and on every so often so i say i'm void of communication. communicating is a process of body language for me. i get upset when people can not decipher the story my eyes are giving away. don't shake your head at me because in my language that can speaks three thousand different things. even be wary of placing a hand on the small of my back, because it could give me some other notion. the goose bumps could tell you this much. that slick smile you plaster on your face changes meaning with the slightest movement; imagine the laugh lines. imagine all the expressions that are more like a novel i am trying to get through. i have been reading every line. if you have something to say give me words on a page. i shut off the lights sometimes to be only with myself. this is me alone with my thoughts. this is my dream. i have lived in the strangest of dreams. truth be told, i don't think i have escaped it just yet.
but i had a good day today.
and i admit to being this dramatic, to displaying my feelings along with my heart on my sleeve, to falling short of expectations, to expecting too much, to being selfish, to being sorry. if i say this all sounded better in my head, do i come off as less ridiculous? someone follow me.
one more question: is there truly a difference between being independent and being alone?

the last few days i have been trying to enjoy what i'm not even sure should be considered as "summer". cramming in this and that. for the most part i found myself lazing around or sitting in the middle of my backyard with my head up towards the sun or fixing some little part of my room or anything that would get my head out of the sand.
i can already tell this year is going to be a huge reality shock. i don't think i can live in my own little world any more. instead of sticking my nose up all laa-dee-daa i want to start getting real.
in retrospect, my first day wasn't terrible. this form of chaos is necessary to return. my schedule is killer but the way it's broken down isn't so bad. i have a few familiar faces in every class, but for some reason it doesn't seem to be enough. a huge chunk of myself is missing.
let's keep it simple, shall we?

logic is dead.

after a slow humdrum month of july, disorder is in motion once again. suffice it to say i'm quite okay.

i have no idea what is going on inside my brain. my mind and i have trouble cooperating now and again. let's take a trip to the inside and i'll show some flashes and snipets of what's going on in my nogin.

( lkdaf'kdsfsadaj  )

this mess is mine.

i'm going to try to write this freely without any limitations from my lovely habit to question everything.
5,6,7,8..

i need escapes, excuses, and some kind of plan.
my mind works very illogically, making and breaking explanations all on its own. i can't keep racking my brain to find some hidden reason why things have changed. sure you still occupy my mind, but while i am trying to find someone or something to blame i am staring at the bigger picture square in the face. i know allowing the torture to continue is only post-poning long term scars. i just can't help myself. i'm working on it, okay?
but you know, when i'm almost about to completely lose it (which i most certainly do lose it, but find it shortly after) my life still throws me random curves. for instance, i spent the past forty five minutes sorting through songs over itunes with my father. this wouldn't be so out of the ordinary if the music didn't consist of the icelandic melodious sensations of sigur ros. my dad and i have been able to connect musically with bands like coldplay, fall out boy, and even radiohead... but sigur ros? for some odd reason that similarity between us is the only reason i keep him around. i just burnt him a second CD and i can honestly admit he's earned more indie points than i have.

right now summer is still in it's liquid form. i can insantaneously see it melting into a whole mess of chaos. on the contrary, i can still easily picture it forming into something solid and fabulous.
( just a taste )

a bit of a recap in case you missed it:
-my birthday has come and passed. i had a really nice time. the weather disagreed with me for a while but i put up a good fight. my tea party was boss and don't let anyone tell you different. i enjoyed seeing plenty of warm faces that shaped the day in all its glory. regretably my three new fish have already died :(
-brutal sunburn has come and passed. i decided the beach isn't really a place for me, but i can handle it in doses.
-i am still on a monotonous job hunt with no sign of luck.
-i am starting to write poetry more often. not to pretend i'm cool or talented because i'm neither. i use it to express myself cause crying is getting old (joking).
-i have been stuck in an endless rut of listening to Carly Simon for a few weeks now. not to worry, the sickness is under intense care and is almost at an end.
-most importantly, i love my fucking friends and they'll never get old to me.

breath in-
wooooo.
breath out-
ahhh.

when someone has a sudden change of heart with their feelings, confusion automatically sets in. along with doubt. insecurity. the whole family of negative nouns rolls right in, uninvited.
today i did a little bit of renovation. i made a fresh mixed cd to rearrange my room to. i sat outside in the shade and let the breeze hit the pages while i read for a while. i got my music and my shades and went for a bike ride around the neighborhood. these simple processes allowed me to clear my mind. sure, a bunch of fuzzyness is still carrying on, but i feel alright. death cab on the 12th. my birthday/tea party on the 16th. summersummer be good to me.

i read this today and thought it was the truest thing i've ever seen:
"it's so hard to forget pain, but it's even harder to remember sweetness. we have no scar to show for happiness."